Vietnam Wife 

 Barbara Gray

When you find yourself in love and living with a Vietnam Veteran you have to be willing emotionally to go the whole nine yards. It takes a lot of stamina to encounter his indifference, which can be directed at you at any given moment-sometimes when you least expect it. Therefore, be willing to exonerate him time- after- time. Also discipline yourself to retrain your senses to look beyond the surface because reality lies just beneath what the normal eye sees. The key word here "normal" you can just forget about that word, and the "normal" way of processing things. In most cases the normal solutions to problems will not work. This is mainly due to the fact of what happened to these nice "normal" nineteen-year-old boys when they went off to Vietnam. What they saw and what they had to do in most cases just to survive, can be called anything but "normal".

The contrast from one world to another was so extreme, that it was difficult to deal with. The simplest way to cope in an un-real word was to sacrifice a way of life; a life they had grown accustomed to right up until the time when they arrived in Vietnam. They were placed in a world with no morals and no conscience. Actions that were not permitted back home were customary in Vietnam. Drugs and sex were plentiful and available upon demand. Nineteen-year-old American GI's with high levels of testosterone and over active libidos could have easily succumbed to the seduction of this bizarre world.

In country, the sights, smells, and sounds were in such conflict of each other, making it appear dream-like. Vietnam is a country whose beauty is so alluring that you might expect it to appear in a travel brochure. But for those who served there, they soon discovered that they were surrounded by death, destruction, and an over abundance of waste.

..."How could a place so beautiful corner the market on extreme ugliness"...

These nineteen-year-old American GI's also had to cope with an over whelming conflict of emotions, such as fighting an elusive enemy and the fear and loneliness that came with it. That loneliness was so intense it could be felt even though they were surrounded by hundreds of people. That situation only increased their awareness of how homesick they had become. Therefore, surviving the "Nam" became their highest priority. Getting on that "Freedom Bird" which would take them back to the "World", became an obsession; this obsession would only lead to frustrations created by a fragmented memory of the world they left behind... These images which they formulated, about what it would be like when they got back home, were something they clung to. Unfortunately these illusions would not exist for them when they got back home.

Their love for each other sustained them. There is no stronger bond than the one that is made while facing death each day. Someone who has never had to experience that may find it difficult to understand the degree and depth of "LOVE" that can be shared between men. Nothing else can compare. There is no greater love. They will carry these bonds with them the rest of the days of their lives. That is one HELL of a standard to live up to for the wife or girl friend of a vet. Without realizing it those bonds and friendships that were made in Vietnam would have a dramatic effect on their future relationships. No one who came into their life and tried to get close to them could ever compare or measure up to their buddies. Therefore, they turned to isolation.

The Vietnam Vet had no place. They were part of two completely different worlds, although they didn't belong completely to either one of them. Ironically, when they were in Vietnam they couldn't wait to get back to the states. When they got home their thoughts, nightmares, and their emotions kept them forever bound to Vietnam.

The effect that Vietnam has on all of those who served varies from person to person. However, there are many similarities. The differences are the way Vets cope with the effects created by their experiences. Some carry around more pain than others. Their scares are imbedded deep inside them invisible to the human eye.

If I only could have the magic power of just one wish. I would make it acceptable for them to forgive themselves for surviving. That would allow them to stop punishing themselves and those closest to them for something they had no control over.

Those of us who live with these people need to become familiar with the "3 - C's".

I didn't Create their problems;

I have no Control over how events effect them;

I can not Cure them...

However, we can be supportive and try to understand what they feel. We must also remember that there are some things that they can no longer perceive. In addition, we can LOVE, love them with all our heart. Occasionally they will need more love than we know how to give. Prepare yourself to prove that you are deserving of their trust on a daily basis. Your Vet needs to know that you will always be there for him.

It took me a considerable amount of time to come to the realization that my husband could not redeem the convictions he was forced to forsake in Vietnam. However, had I to come to that conclusion a lot sooner, I might have been able to notice that learning to live again was killing him. Because he was able to see just how much of himself he had lost. This reality left him feeling somewhat overwhelmed. We must find ways to make life easier for our Vets. There are many issues that they face and must resolve. I believe that they depend on us to keep them connected to this "World". Intimacy and relationships are the hardest tasks for them to achieve. Therefore, it is up to us, and WE CAN DO IT ! ....

Remember: Listen with open ears and a closed mouth,

Forgive with an open heart, not caring, who's right,

Love with open arms and imperfect eyesight...

From:  Vietnam Wife